How Psychedelic Mushrooms Helped Me See the Value In Mindfulness Practice

Ton Sai Beach, Thailand. It is a place filled with awe-inspiring beauty and friendly people.

​While nearing the end of 4 months of travelling around SE Asia, I had my first ever psychedelic mushroom trip in the laid back, hippie beach town of Ton Sai, Thailand. I had attempted "psychedelic mushrooms" on three other occasions during my SE Asia travels; none of which brought about any significant change in consciousness. I know in at least some of those cases I had simply been served "duds", or in other words non-psychadelic mushrooms.  Due to my misfortunes, I had a healthy dose of distrust to the local vendor in Ton Sai, which I had tried one the "magic" shake at just a week earlier, without "success". But my lovely friends insisted I try once more. They reported to having success about a week earlier, and even offered to pay for mine. How could I refuse! In my experience, so far, the worst that could happen would be a minor stomach ache.

The three of us shared two "magic" shakes; which was basically whole, dirty mushrooms only partially blended in milk and ice. It was slimy, bitter, chunky and silty. We forced down the horrid beverage and much to my surprise, and delight, about 20 minutes later I began to feel the effects. Over the next couple of hours I experienced all the typical euphoric feelings I had been told about by friends for years (I was late to the party). I saw fractal patterns in the trees and amongst the towering limestone cliffs all around. I was giddy and filled with joy; I was  stuck grinning ear to ear. Colours were so much more vivid. Everything was completely awe inspiring; as if I was experiencing everything for the first time. My vocabulary fails to accurately describe how incredible the sand felt on my fingertips and toes; but it was borderline orgasmic. Despite all the euphoria, I found it difficult to socialize. We decided to go on an adventure to meet up with a couple of our sober friends. Along the way we kept running into people we knew, who weren't on a journey to another dimension. Each encounter was like torture. Like I had some big secret that I had to hide. My thoughts went something like this…

Things just flow. Everything flows! Wow I am high as f***! But I can’t just open a conversation with that. I shouldn’t say anything so they don’t discover I’m high. My god that sky is so orange. Oh, back to socializing. How do I do this again? Oh right; cue laugh and comment about how climbing went today. Oh interesting, that persons body is vibrating. Can I just stand here without talking? What do I do with my hands? Uh oh, I am seeing doubles of everyone. It’s OK Zach, you got this, play it cool. ​

In one case I couldn’t contain my secret anymore. While someone I had recently ran into was mid sentence talking to me, I blurted “I am really high!”. But they didn’t hear me! And they kept talking like nothing had happened! Everyone else around heard and began laughing, including complete strangers -  I was mortified - I thought…

I can’t say it again; that was all the courage I had. I’ll just nod and smile. Wait, why am I smiling? She's just talking about climbing tomorrow. I probably look like a lunatic. Ok, back to playing it cool. Ooo, sounds are fascinating. Man, am I ever an awkward human being. I can’t tell if I like this drug or not. Who doesn’t have fun on mushrooms! I must be weird. ​

Eventually the anxiety became overwhelming. I told my friends I needed to go on a solo adventure, to experience the trip on my own. I hoped that being solo would allow me to escape my nearly crippling social anxiety. Moments after leaving my friends, and the shelter of the restaurant, a torrential down pour began. At first I became excited; images flashed through my head of myself dancing in circles, alone in the forest, tongue out, tasting the rain, relishing every drop of water stream down my body, and feeling at one with the universe. Unfortunately none of this happened, and within a minute I was soaked to the bone, and freezing cold. I quickly found shelter in a palapa (hut-like structure with no walls), which was a lobby to a hostel/climbing shop that I frequented.

​I kept to myself, sitting on a step looking out at the deluge on the pathway. Thoughts came to mind about what the people around thought of me and my anxiety came flooding back. My mind was running a million miles an hour, swept away by the nonstop flow of anxiety and fear. I sat there in misery for what felt like at least a half hour before a novel idea came to mind. While staring out at the flowing water on the path, I decided I should just imagine all my negative thoughts leave my brain and wash away in the stream. Mere moments after intensely visualizing this process, my negative thoughts dissolved; in fact all thoughts dissolved. Soon after, the emptiness was replaced with amazement at what just occurred. I sat up feeling ecstatic, not even feeling “high” anymore. No anxiety, no trippy visuals, no boundless joy, just peace. I returned to the company of my friends and explained to them the profound experience I just had. I exclaimed “My thoughts just washed down the drain guys!!!” While they were certainly entertained and maybe a bit intrigued, they clearly didn’t see the profundity in it like I had.

One of the locals on Ton Sai Beach, which likely added to my anxiety some. Am I hallucinating the rustling in the bushes, or is that real?

I had read sometime before this experience, that the experience I had was similar to that which is described by monks while meditating. The ability to observe one’s thoughts and to be controlled by anxiety is one that can be cultivated with mindfulness meditation. I wish I could say the next day I awoke as a dedicated mindfulness meditator, or I awoke with limitless power over controlling my mind. But frankly I was still the same me. Fear, anxiety and attachment were still the kings of my mind; not always present, but more often than not in control. In fact, it wasn’t for another 8 months, after moving into my van, with ample time to try something new, and meeting a particularly inspiring free-spirited person, that I finally began a regular mindfulness practice. I had an interesting drug experience, that’s it. I had told myself I would certainly be trying psychedelics again, but I found nothing truly profound or applicable to “everyday life” in the aftermath.

​However, as I look back at it now, over a year afterwards, and 5 months after beginning a regular mindfulness practice, I realize it was this experience that allowed me to truly “see” the power of mindfulness. And reflection on that experience has kept me motivated in difficult times when I fail to see the point in setting aside at least 10 minutes a day for formal mindfulness practice. The ability to detach from your thoughts and witness your anxiety as separate from you, even when that anxiety  is completely overwhelming, can be a very powerful skill. It is a skill that I plan to continue to cultivate for the rest of my life. But really, it is so much more than just a “skill"; it is a doorway to a whole new way of looking at life and one’s place in the universe. Much of the purpose of me starting this blog is to show others why I think this doorway is one worth opening, and how regular mindfulness practice can help keep that doorway open.

Have you had a similar experience while on a psychedelic drug? Are you now curious about meditation and the power of mindfulness practice to manage your anxiety? I would love to hear any of your thoughts and/or questions in the comments below. And if you enjoyed this article, please subscribe to my mailing list so you can be notified when I post something new!